An overwhelming pall of gloom, like a thick black cloud of gun smoke, has been hanging over me ever since reports and images of Mumbai being attacked by a handful of gunmen started streaming in from all around. A couple of twenty-somethings in jeans and casuals firing indiscriminately at hundreds of commuters at the monumental Victoria Terminus railway station with AK56 assault rifles and then walking across the streets unchallenged to the nearby Cama hospital to kill more and then again after a bloody shootout coming out to attack the vehicle Maharashtra Anti-Terrorism Squad (ATS) chief Hemant Karkare and his famous lieutenants Vijay Salaskar and Ashok Kamte were in, killing all three, and running helter-skelter around the town, first in the police SUV and then in a hijacked Skoda, for two more hours before being brought down by police, one dead and the other alive—shocking and unbelievable—exposes our fragility as a nation, as a people, as individuals. A Times of India photographer managed to photograph these guys, more than once, from different angles, at VT within minutes of the start of the carnage. A single armed police sharpshooter in the vicinity could have easily brought them down then and there. There was none. The attackers knew it.
They knew a whole lot. As I watch again and again Hemant Karkare—the celebrated chief of the Maharashtra Anti-Terrorist Squad (ATS) who has been under fire from BJP and other right wing political parties for linking a bomb blast in Malegaon in September to a Hindu terrorist network—putting on a helmet and bulletproof vest for a possible encounter with terrorists, somehow he looks to me more like a person going through the motions before being led to the execution chamber than a fearless soldier eager to get into the war front. All I see in his eyes is a sense of fatality, not excitement. Did he think he was being set up? Was he one of the targets? Or is it just that I was expecting him to be as expressive as a movie star? I don't know. But as I go through the same images and scenes being played out in different news channels I see a gleam in the eyes of the young terrorist on the street and only gloom in the eyes of the champion policeman.
Or, is it? Perhaps, all the gloom is in my eyes, not in Karkare's. For the last couple of days, every time, most of the times, I do something, anything, this thick cloud of smoke comes up and consumes me. I pick up a book to read, but before I start I put it down. I put on my shoes to go for a walk in the morning, and then take them off before tying the lace. I just don't feel like doing anything. I’ve felt it while playing with my kid in the park or talking to my wife on the phone or drinking a cup of tea, in the loo, at work, on the road...it happens anywhere, anytime. My head just gets lost in thick black smoke, in the smell of gun powder, and I am light and floating. Lost in thoughts? I can’t say that because when it happens there’s nothing clear in my head. I don’t know what I am thinking, I don’t know what I am seeing, I just go weightless, out of bounds of any pulling factor, beyond gravity, beyond love, beyond hatred...all I want then is to get out of whatever I am doing, get out of the whole world.
Is it fear? Is it rage? Or is it just sorrow? I am terrorised to see Taj up in flames, the sight of murderers wielding fully loaded assault rifles and grenades ruling perhaps the country's most historic and crowded railway station and familiar streets—streets and platforms I walked almost every day for a month when I was in Mumbai—was frightening. But not to the extent to feel scary about going out or going to Mumbai or walking the same streets and platforms or staying in those hotels. Having a drink at Leopold, a restaurant in Colaba where two terrorists started their shooting spree before going into Taj, is one of the first things I would want to do when I visit Mumbai next. Not to prove any point to anybody, just a natural instinct. And I won’t be afraid. Without being a true believer in God, I believe I ultimately belong to my destiny. I can do things without worrying what will happen next. It’s not fear that’s behind the thick smoke that consumes me every now and then. It's clear.
It is annoying and unsettling to see people being shot down without any reason, to see our policemen running away from terrorists and their duties, to see intelligence agencies and think tanks preoccupied with politics failing to collate information they receive and prepare strategies, to see them blaming each other, to see our best commandos taking days to overpower less than 10 terrorists hauled up in three different buildings. I understand all the outrage around, against insensitive, selfish politicians who never spare a thought for the country and the people, come quake or terror, against widespread corruption that has made our system so fragile. I hate political and religious leaders of the world for promoting separatism and divisions, I hate hardliners who brainwash youngsters without giving them a chance to see the other side. But I am not exactly breathing fire. I've always been aware of the dirty politics of the world. But I can live with that. I am far too convinced that the biggest problem in the world is lack of tolerance. I just can’t let my anger dictate me.
Not terror, not rage. Perhaps it’s plain sorrow causing this thick black smoke, this unbearable lightness. But what am I crying over? I've seen people suffer before. I've watched equally bad if not worst attacks before. I remember being much more agitated during the Gujarat riots. What's different this time? My feeling, my reaction, my numbness. It's like I am mourning the death of someone dear. But there's nobody so close involved. What am I mourning? What am I missing?
Confused, I go back to the TV to see young, daring, highly competent journos fighting like scavengers to capture the miseries all too obvious and visible all around. They throng people just emerging from two full days of sleepless nightmare with cameras and mikes and a flurry of questions that sound, I feel, like gunshots and blasts still echoing in their ears. The media commandos block their ways and vehicles, without enmity, without common sense, full of compassion. And the daring cameramen risk their lives to capture every move of the National Security Guard (NSG) commandos engaged in the rescue mission, and most probably keeping the terrorists inside Taj, Oberoi and Nariman Point aware of what’s happening outside. What grief! I try some cartoon channel, only to get lost in the smoke again.
What is that's paining me so much? I can't even call it a pain, it's beyond that. I don't get the sinking feeling in the chest that sadness usually brings. Not now.
But there is sorrow, I feel it. A deep, unfathomable, indefinable sorrow is swelling in my mind. There’s no doubt. It's not personal. It's not mine. It's the sorrow of the God, if there's one. It's the combined sorrow of all the gods, if there are many. And definitely, it's the sorrow of the human being—the one who's inside both the terrorist and the victim, the politician and the commoner, the Muslim and the Hindu, the rich and the poor. The one who is helplessly watching the human race—perfectly capable of unravelling all the secrets of space and time and existence—staying in a small tower of a world, talking in different tongues and committing hara-kiri in the name of love, revenge, money, family, race, religion, region, sex, sexual behaviour, god, heaven, anything, everything. Only a motley crowd of scientists, explorers, philosophers and meditators ever tried to understand the unquantified, unexplored, universe. They are still there on the terrace, fixing radars and beaming signals, or going around the tower with walkie-talkies and handheld cameras, or sitting at their desk studying and thinking, or going deep into themselves, all trying to capture the bigger picture. No one cares. This crowd is unpopular, apolitical, powerless, negligible and completely forgotten.
It’s always been like that. Nothing has changed. As was then as is now: we do not know what we do. The problem is, we will not be forgiven forever. We, the world, have become far too powerful to survive without tolerance, without love, without understanding the rules of the universe. This tower is filled with firearms and it’s so full of hatred that the whole thing can blow up and collapse in no time. Is this the end? Is this our destiny? Or, will there be a revival, a worldwide revolution, a global awakening? I don't know. I can't say. It's too dark here. It's too full of smoke, this tower.
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